LETTERS FROM CHARITY
Part 3
Dear Beth,
I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but thank you so much for your response, and thank you as well for telling me I can address you by your first name. It’s interesting that you pointed out that your name wasn’t a diminutive of Elizabeth or Lizbeth, and your explanation for why was even more interesting to me. I had no idea that Beth was a biblical term that meant “house.” I guess I should have realized that, though, since there are all sorts of “Beth” names in the Bible. Well, I mean I should have realized it was a biblical name.
What you said in your email about pleasure makes a lot of sense and I’m trying to wrap my mind around it all. I guess it’s hard to erase over four decades of having an idea pounded into your brain. I’m just finding it really difficult to think of God as wanting me to experience pleasure. Serve, serve, serve until you hit the floor, then pick yourself up and serve some more. That’s what I’m used to hearing. That and how life in Jesus is all about sacrifice. If it’s something you enjoy or something you love, God’s bound to ask you to give it up to prove that you love Him more. Just like He did in the story of Abraham and Isaac.
You asked if I had any happy or pleasurable experiences connected to my relationship with God, and as with your last question about happiness, it took me quite a while to come up with anything. That’s pretty pathetic, isn’t it? I mean, we’re supposed to have joy in Jesus, right? How many times have I sung those lyrics, “The joy of the Lord is my strength”? And yet when the question is put to me, I can hardly think of a single thing about my relationship with God that has given me anything close to what I would consider pleasure.
The best I could think of was when I was in middle school and my church held a Bible drill, which I won. I went on to win the associational drill and then the state tournament as well. I was chosen to represent my state at a regional convention and I was so happy and excited. And I guess you could say it gave me great pleasure to stand on the stage with people from all over the Pacific Northwest, showing everyone what we could do. Did that really have anything to do with my relationship with God? I’m not sure, to be honest. My family went with me to the regional conference and on the way home, I remember my mother telling me to put the whole thing behind me now since moments like that don’t happen very often and they don’t last.
Thank you for your kind words of sympathy concerning my parents. And thank you for what you said about being single. It was a breath of fresh air to read words of understanding coming from someone like you. I don’t mean that to sound bad, I was just surprised to hear that you’re also single and you can relate to my...well, to what I go through sometimes. Most of my friends are married and while they usually treat me with sensitivity, at the end of the day, they go home to their husbands and I go home to my TV.
I was kind of hoping you would sail right over what I said about the Bible confusing me and making me angry, but I guess I should have known from your blog that you wouldn’t let that one go. You seem to have a love and an enjoyment of the Bible that I’ve never known anyone to have and quite frankly, it baffles me. I don’t think even my pastor likes the Bible as much as you do. He gets this sort of “and now I am reading the Bible” tone in his voice whenever he reads verses and then slips back into his normal voice when he preaches. But I never get the sense that he’s particularly excited about the Bible. He gets really animated when he talks about whatever movie he and his wife saw on a given weekend or the cool local restaurant they ate at that week, but most of the time it doesn’t really have much to do with the Bible or God. He talks a lot about being genuine and authentic and transparent, and I suppose he thinks that giving us glimpses into his family life is accomplishing those things.
So why does the Bible confuse me and make me angry? Do you want the reasons alphabetically or in order of importance? Seriously, though, I could give you I don’t know how many reasons. I’ve been reading it all my life and I would have to say that most of it still doesn’t make much sense to me. God has these ridiculously high standards that He demands we attain and yet it doesn’t seem like He does much to help us out. But woe to us if we fail to toe the line in even the slightest, most trivial thing. Case in point, Moses. All he did was hit a rock and for that, God refused to let him enter the Promised Land. What is that? The man only led an entire nation out of slavery and crossed the desert with them while they were being complete and total...well, you know he put up with a lot of nonsense, it was all on his shoulders, and he messes up once — ONCE — and God is like, “Too bad for you. Next!” Oh, but God has a plan for your life and Jesus loves you.
Wow. That was pretty harsh. Like I said in my last email, I’m really tired of pretending like none of this stuff bothers me. But I honestly mean no disrespect to you or to God, I just wish someone would listen to me and have a conversation about these things instead of looking at me like they wish I’d shut up and go away. I was at a small group one time when someone asked me if I couldn’t just be happy being single as long as I had my relationship with Jesus. She wanted to know if Jesus could be enough for me, if I could be satisfied with having a relationship with Him and no one else. I told her I didn’t think He would ever be enough because that’s exactly how I felt. After that, I was disinvited to their meetings. I guess maybe that’s why I can’t stop saying “thank you” to you. You’re the first person who has acted like they wanted to hear me out and not just shut me down when I’m honest about how I’m feeling, and I’m so very grateful for that.
I wish I had a faith like yours. I wish I didn’t feel like I wasn’t supposed to experience pleasure or have any fun. I wish I hadn’t been indoctrinated with the belief that moments of satisfaction and contentment are fleeting so you shouldn’t enjoy them too much. I wish I could find happiness and satisfaction and contentment in God like you do.
Thank you for answering my questions. I’m so glad that your friend suggested you start a blog. If not for her, I’d still be wallowing in my borderline heretical thoughts about God with no hope of finding my way out of the morass. And I have to confess that it was the title of your blog that caught my attention because on the surface it seemed so irreverent (and, as you might have noticed, I’m not exactly feeling exceptionally reverent in my life right now). I’m curious as to how you came up with the name.
I can’t tell you how excited I was to discover that we had some of the same favorite authors in common! I’ve been a fan of science fiction and fantasy books all my life. Nothing gave me more joy when I was a little girl than to lose myself in those magnificent worlds. Robin McKinley and Patricia A. McKillip are two of the most awe-inspiring authors I’ve ever read. Tolkien and Lewis are among my favorites as well, although I never could get into Lewis’s space trilogy. That was a little too far out there for me. I had to look up Josephine Tey. I’ve ordered the title you recommended and I’m eager to dig in to it. Mysteries are not normally my cup of tea, but the way you described the historical aspect of the book I ordered really intrigued me since I also love history. Thank you so much for the recommendation! I will definitely let you know what I think.
Well, I suppose I had better sign off now and let you get back to your life. Once again, you have my eternal gratitude, and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Blessings,
Charity